Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How to Find Management in Wal-Mart

So, herewith the saga of how Friday night robbed me of its promise. I went to WM, in summery skirt, tee shirt and flip flops (cue ominous music here) thinking how lovely it was to be (cough, indisdinct) years old and healthy and with an entire weekend before me, a writing retreat on the morrow.

When the 24-pack of coke zeroes fell off the back of the cart, I felt lucky. They missed my bare feet!

But then I hoisted the 24-pack by its tab and ripped up my big toenail, but bad.

I then stood there for a few minutes staring at my foot, trying to figure out why my nail was all red, and then determine how badly it was going to hurt, and should I seek assistance or not?

I decided it was necessary to elevate it, with ice, and hobbled back to the service area to find someone. It was empty. So I backtracked a few aisles and found a worker who took off to find an ice pack. I told him he could find me sitting in the service area. I was beginning to feel clammy and not very well.

He zoomed back moments later to tell me his manager was fetching me an ice pack.

Then, not one, but ten managers converged upon me. One of them handed me an ice pack, and then they conferred. Then they took an incident report. Name? Address? Phone number? I was so rattled it took me a while to figure out why they were asking me these pointless questions.

Where did it happen? I was asked. I stared at my cart, trying to remember. Eggs? I stammered.

How did the box fall? Which way did it roll? How did you lift it?

Do you think we got everything? asked Manager 1, holding the pen. I think so, replied Manager 2. We could photograph the box? Suggested Manager 3.

I laughed. The box is fine, said I. It isn't defective. (Manager 1 wrote this down.) Three Managers lifted the box and examined it for defects. All clear.

After a while, I was offered bandaids, and assistance if I needed it "with the cart." I hobbled home.

Halfway there, I realized they were probably watching the tapes at that moment. And that it hadn't happened by eggs at all, but rather by sour cream. And I wondered if that discrepancy was being tallied for use by the legal team if required.

I realized that fortunately for me, I had no intention of sueing. Because Wal-Mart and Coca Cola would no doubt be a formidable legal combination.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Soccer Mom Rap

Son, in a cheeky mood, singing/rapping in the van: "She's got her shades on! And her coffeeeeee! In a travel mug. She's got someplace to go! With kids! We're probably late! Waow, waow. Oh no, the police. Just kidding!"

Friday, April 22, 2011

Look What the Bunny Broughteth Me!

An invitation to a Saturday writer's retreat, courtesy of the local writing group. From 9-4. With laptop points around the house. Friendly folks, and a coffee pot. BYO lunch.

Just in time to ward of generalized "lack of writing time lately" despair. Thank you, Bunny (you know who you are)!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

In Which I Am Most Deficient

Hubby: Wow. Mom made a great dinner! And, she drives you guys to stuff. And she supervises homework. And she's a great teacher, and a writer! Is there anything she can't do?!
Daughter: Change lightbulbs.
Hubby: Wha-? You know, you have a point. Why doesn't she change lightbulbs?
Daughter: Not tall enough.

Monday, April 18, 2011

She's Chanelling Eliza!

Daughter, commenting on the 34 degree weather upon stepping out:
Aaaoooowww! It's bloody caaoooowwwwld!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Son's summation of Deadliest Catch: "Cloudy, with a chance of death."

Monday, April 11, 2011

Clearly, I'm in a Psych Experiment

Daughter, from the other room: uuuurrrrrhhhhhhha?

Me: I can't hear you!

Daughter, from the other room: UuuurrrrrhhhhhhhA!

Me: I still can't hear you. There are three appliances running in here. If you want to talk to me, come here to do it!

[Five minutes later... high pitched, continuous hum from the other room.]

Me: Is that you making that noise?

Daughter. Oh. So you CAN hear me.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Writing is Obsessive

This morning I read a tweet from an SCBWI colleague, who posted (at midnight) that she was in bed with her manuscript. And I understood completely, since I was up too early and pondering the same book mapping exercise that she is undertaking. We're all slaves to a homework assignment posed by Cheryl Klein, editor extraordinaire at Arthur A. Levine books (and she of Harry Potter continuity editing fame). I ordered a copy of her book Second Sight on revision, and it has once again been a paradigm shift of an exercise (and I've only just begun). I guess that is the good thing about revision. Every time I think I have the ms done, I'm back to the drawing board. But the book gets better every time too which, after all, is surely the point.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Because It's There

Daughter, reading about Mount Everest: Everest. Everest. That's a funny name.
Me: I suppose so.
Daughter: I can see why it's called "Ever." Because it's the highest mountain of them all. Like "forever." But "rest"? That doesn't make sense. Why not call it "Mount "Forever." Like goodbye, forever! Or: Mount "so long, suckers!"