Next Stop: the UN

Me: Baths, and bed.
Son: But...I thought you said we could watch some of a movie?!
Me: That was before you two began screaming at each other.
Son, to Daughter: Quick! Truce!
Daughter in reply: [Screeeaaaaaaaaam!] Leave me alone!!
Son, to Daughter: No, you don't understand! Truce!
Daughter: I don't know what that is.
Son: It means we have to get along, or we can't watch a movie! You want to watch a movie, don't you?
Daughter, suspiciously: With you?
Son: Well, yeah.
Daughter, shaking hands: Okay. "Truce."

Overheard a few minutes later...
Daughter: Screeeaaam!
Son: Remember! We're getting along? Movie?
Daughter: Oh. Yeah.

Handling Contradiction is the Sign of a Sophisticated Mind

Daughter, on her Christmas parade costume (a wrapped box): I didn't like it. I felt cold, and hot.

Daughter, on eating spare ribs: This is both yummy and disgusting, at the same time.

I've Been Spanked By a Boy Scout

Grocery store dude: Paper or plastic?
Me: [fatal pause] ...
Son: Paper! [turns to me]: Plastic stays in the landfill for ages. Paper is much better for the environment. [Narrowing eyes in accusatory fashion]: And you know that!

Jury's Out

Son is lately obsessed with imagined scenarios in which two forces clash. Which would win?

Son: Humans vs. all the spiders in the world.
Me: [Shudder.] Spiders. Humans have to sleep.
Son: What if we didn't?
Me: Then humans. But if we won, there'd be too many bugs.
Son: What if we left some of the big and most poisonous spiders to be carnivores?
Me: [Shudder.] Let's not.

Son: Yoda vs. Dumbledore.
Me: I don't think they'd fight.
Son: But what if they did? I'm betting on Dumbledore. He can do levi corpus.
Me: Yoda can levi his own corpus.
Son: Expelliarmus?
Me: Yoda doesn't bear arms.
Son, rolling his eyes: Light sabre, mom.
Me: Okay. I think magic might beat the Force. But the Force is life, and Dumbledore wouldn't do anything anti-Life, so I don't think they'd fight.
Son, rolling his eyes: But what if they did?